If I Had You
by missyoufriend
Summary: Jane and Lisbon trying to fight their feelings for each other  of course !
1. Chapter 1

A/N : So I started writing this fic one way, then took it totally different. I hope you guys enjoy. It will be multi chapter and i will try updating regularly. I'm currently recovering from back surgery, so my activities are pretty limited and I already spend a lot of time on my computer. Enjoy! And as always, review! This chap is a setup of just how things are, then we'll delve into the story.

"You can't possible be telling me that Corey told you all of this gossip in that 2 minute conversation you had by the water cooler,"

" I swear to God," Jane mumbled, moving the noodles around in is chinese take out box.

"You two gossip like girls," Lisbon grinned, leaning back in her chair as she popped a shrimp in her mouth.

"It's my lovely blonde curls,"

Lisbon laughed, shaking her head.

It was a Friday night, Lisbon was staying late to wrap up the paper work on a case they had finished. Mainly paper work accrued by Jane and his latest scheme, so in return Jane offered to buy dinner.

Paperwork aside as soon as he returned with Chinese, he settled on the couch to eat while Lisbon remained at her desk. Conversation drifted from the case, to Lisbon scolding Jane for never listening, and then on to lighter topics.

It was nice just to unwind, relax and enjoy a normal conversation with him. Lisbon sighed softly as the thought passed through her mind, she found herself smiling for no reason at all.

"You ok over there?" Jane asked, noting the wide smile that had spread across her face.

"I'm fine," Lisbon said, shaking herself from her reverie and digging into her food again.

Jane shrugged his shoulders and continued eating. "Whatever, I see all though, just remember that,"

"There's nothing to see, is smiling for no reason a crime?"

"You tell me, you are the officer of the law,"

Lisbon chucked a spare pencil at him, turning back to her computer. "I'm done talking to you now,"

Jane chuckled. Finishing off the last of his dinner, he chucked all the empty containers in the trash then resumed his position on the couch.

An hour later, he woke to soft touch on his shoulder. Unaware that the consistent drum of Lisbon's fingers on the keys had put him in a light sleep. His eyes focused on the soft expression on Lisbon's face.

"I'm done,"

"Right," Jane rose and followed Lisbon out of the office. Pausing next to her as she locked her office door, they continued on, silently, down the hall towards the elevator.

"Any plans for the weekend?" Lisbon asked, as they rode it down to the ground floor.

Jane shrugged his shoulders, his eyes only half open.

"Thanks for staying with me," she offered, trying to get at least a word out of him.

Jane flashed her a sleepy smile as the elevator dinged and they stepped out. "I'll walk you to your car,"

Lisbon looked at him incredulously. "You do know I'M the one that carries the gun, right?"

Jane shrugged his shoulders, again and to Lisbon's annoyance, as he followed her to her car.

"What would this world be like if chivalry died to feminism," he mumbled, peeking a sideways grin at Lisbon. He stuck his elbow, nudging her arm affectionately as she shook her head at his statement. "You drive the work car in?" he questioned as they stopped in front of the ever present green SUV they always drove around town.

"Yeah, I had to drop the mustang off at the shop the other day, I told you. It was making a weird gurgling sound," Lisbon opened the driver door and tossed her briefcase in.

"Oh, right, right," Jane looked down at his feet, glancing around the parking lot as he waited for Lisbon to get settled. Then, to his surprise, he felt her arms snake around his torso under his coat, her lips crushing against his. It took him half a second to respond, one arm going around her waist as the other weaved through her hair to cup the back of her head. He took few steps forward, effectively pinning her between him and the car, his hands traveled to her hips as their tongues battled with each other.

BEEP! BEEP!

Lisbon shook from her stupor at the sound of a car horn honking. Jane had stepped aside as a car came rolling up beside them.

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

Lisbon heard Jane let out a strangled sigh, as she tried to shake her 30 second fantasy from her head and concentrate on the man in the car. She smiled and walked over to the driver side. Leaning over she dropped a quick kiss on the man's lips. "Hi," she whispered, trying not to let her gaze flick to Jane's.

"Hiya back," the man turned to Jane, "Patrick!"

"Walter," Jane had shoved his hands in his pocket and was looking around uncomfortable, only offering an awkward smile.

"I didn't know you were staying here with Teresa. Let's all go get drinks!" Walter chimed.

"I don't.."

"I'm actually tired," Jane offered as Lisbon shook her head at the suggestion.

"Party poopers," Walter mumbled.

Lisbon rested her hand on Walter's shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze.

"Alright, let's go. Good seeing Patrick. But seriously, drinks, some time soon!"

Jane nodded. "Night Lisbon, Walter," he called out as he walked off.

Lisbon watched him go for only a moment, her heart dropping slightly as he meandered off into the dark parking lot.

"Your place or mine, babe?"

"Oh, yours. I've got a bag in my car," she said.

Walter tugged on her coat, pulling her down for another kiss.

"I'll follow you," Lisbon said, making her way back to her car. She threw a smile over her shoulder at the man grinning in his 2011 Porsche before climbing into her car. She took a moment and watched as Walter slowly pulled away, before doing a quick take of the parking lot for a sight of Jane. She saw his car, but not him, figuring he probably went back inside to the attic. With a sigh she followed Walter, trying with all of her might to push Jane to the back of her mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Jane sat on his couch in the bullpen, teacup in hand, his notebook sitting open on his lap. He watched the shadows on the floor as the sun came up, peaking through the windows, casting an orange hue over the empty office. His mind was lost in thought of the events that had transpired over the past few months.

Ever since their last case with Walter Mashburn, he noticed Lisbon's phone ringing a little bit more while at the office. He could tell by her the way her body moved and the flush that would creep up to her cheeks that it was him, but also knew Mashburn was out of the country as well. He deduced from that , and Lisbon showing up late and flustered the morning after he had visited Mashburn in his hotel room, that they had been together. As much as it irked him, he has happy, in a sad way, that Lisbon seemed happy even though it wasn't him putting the smile on her face.

He remembered back to when Mashburn showed up, after 2 months were over and he was back in the states, with flowers for Lisbon. Ever since then, Mashburn had been around.

He had only brought it up once to Lisbon, about a month ago. Lisbon being Lisbon didn't delve too much into it and Jane, not really wanting to know the details lest his jealousy show too much , was content with the short answers she provided.

"So, you and Mashburn?"

"Umm..yeah,"

"That's good, I'm happy for you," he had responded, forcing a slow sad smile on his face.

"Thanks," she didn't even look at him and he as ok with that.

He had gotten used to Mashburn's occasional appearances at the office. Even though he didn't like it, he put on his smile and cheery voice and joked around as usual. He seemed to make Lisbon happy, even though she didn't talk about it much. She kept the topics on other things and their relationship had actually been decent as of late. Jane being a little somber about the whole Lisbon/Mashburn thing wasn't as mischievous at crime scenes, even though he still had his moments.

Taking a sip of his tea, he closed his eyes. Images of Lisbon's brilliant smile filing his picture screen, times of them just sitting and talking, him making her smile, her cheeks burning a fiery scarlet at something promiscuous he had said. He felt his own heart skip a beat when he remembered taking hold of her hand to pull her from the ground the other day, while at a crime scene. Then images of her and Mashburn together filled his head and he felt a surge of jealousy and anger take over him.

His eyes flew open as the feeling swept over him. Uncurling his clenched hands, he flexed them over his legs and watched as the blood began to circulate. He hadn't even noticed he had them clenched so tight. Where had those feelings come from? He always knew Lisbon was special to him, but the whole jealousy feeling washing over him was very new. Was he really jealous? Was the reason for his sadness really the fact that Lisbon was with Walter Mashburn and not him?

He heard the elevator ping and heard the shuffle of feet as, from the sounds of it, several people were coming off the elevator. Picking his tea back up, he stared down at, unsure of what to make of these new feelings and unsure of how is face would uphold it's facade of normalcy.

A few minutes later, still staring at the cup, he heard her soft foot steps, and smelled her cinnamon scent before she even spoke. "Jane, you okay?"

It took a moment to move his gaze from his tea cup to her face. His heart sped up as his eyes locked with her eyes and he raised his eyes brows, bringing his mouth into a lazy smile. "Yeah?"

"You are staring at that tea cup like you are trying to burn a hole in it,"

Jane rested the teacup on his knee and smiled. "Lost in thought, sorry,"

"You stay here again last night?" Lisbon dropped down next to him, arms folded across her stomach.

"Yeah, well...I had some work...to do," Jane flipped his notebook shut, tucking it between him and the arm of the couch.

"You and that notebook," Lisbon shook her head, eyeing the notebook with annoyance.

"It's how I keep things straight," Jane shrugged his shoulders.

"You mean all the lies,"

"Lies?"

"Sorry, is stories a better word?"

"What stories, that are lies, do I tell?"

"Well, I would LOVE to know what really what happened with Hightower,"

Jane stared at her, his smile slowly fading. "I keep what I keep from you to keep you safe, Lisbon," he said quietly.

Lisbon scoffed, shaking her head. "I'm the cop, Jane. You underestimate me and I take offense to that,"

"I don't underestimate you,"

"Do to,"

"Whatever. How's Walter?"

It was Lisbon's turn to go serious as she looked down at her fingers, fiddling nervously with the the button on her jacket. "Walter's fine,"

"Good," Jane took a sip of his tea. "So is it serious?"

"What? No...it's just casual, I guess,"

"It's casual for you, not so much for him"

Lisbon shrugged her shoulders. "He's fun. It's nice to be around another human being and not trying to figure out who killed some one or what's Red John's next move,"

"Red John is not all I talk about it,"

Lisbon rolled her eyes.

"What? We are talking about you and Mashburn just now. YOU were the one trying to discuss Red John,"

Lisbon shook her head. "It's too early to start this," she made a move to get up and Jane didn't know why, but his hand shot out, catching her just about the knee and gently pulled her back.

"No, wait,"

Lisbon glanced down at his hand as she eased back down on leather. "You're acting strange,"

Jane laughed softly. "Stranger than normal?"

"Yeah,"

He was silent as Lisbon stared at him, trying to decipher what exactly was going on with him.

"Actually, this whole conversation has been awkward. What's going on?" Lisbon lowered her voice little tilted her head.

"You could do better than Walter," he said before he thought about it. He saw the anger spark in her eyes as her eyes narrowed at him and the line between eyebrows appeared.

She opened her mouth to respond, but then snapped it shut and with a shake of her head she stood and stormed off to her house.

"That was not what I was hoping to accomplish," he mumbled to himself, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the sofa. This was going to be a long day.

A/N : I know it's rough going, but it'll get better, bear with me :) As always, reviews make my day. :)


	3. Chapter 3

Jane stood, his hands in balled fists hidden in his coat pockets, jaw clenched as he stared down at the lifeless body beneath him. Cut up Red John style, complete with the smiley face on the wall that always taunted Jane's dreams.

They got the call an hour ago, his fight with Lisbon forgotten, as they drive to the crime scene in silence. He could feel the empathy pouring from everyone in the car, and truthfully it just irritated him more.

Upon arrival, he stayed right behind Lisbon, like a lost child. Then when seeing the body, he felt his heart drop all over again and he managed to step away from Lisbon and stand over it. Scanning for any detail that might go missed by a normal person, but not him.

He bit the inside of his cheek as he determined there was nothing new and strode from the room. Leaning against the railing on the front porch of the house, he took a deep deep breath and closed his eyes. He stay that way until he felt a small hand on his back. He didn't jump, but the tingle that ran down his spine at her touch was unexpected.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. We leaving?" he didn't bother looking up, he didn't want to see the pity in her eyes.

"We still have to try, Jane," she pulled her hand away.

Jane let out a sigh, his shoulders slumping and pushed himself to a straightened position. "Yeah," he breathed.

"Take another pass through the room and then we are done here,"

Jane nodded.

Two hours later, they were back at the office, Jane disappearing as soon as they stepped off the elevator. Lisbon made a couple of phone calls, checked on a few leads herself, then 30 minutes later slammed the phone down in frustration.

Making her way out to the bull pen she frowned when she saw his couch empty. "Anybody seen Jane?"

The team shrugged their shoulders as Lisbon mumbled something about putting one of the electric shock dog collars on Jane and headed for the attic

"Jane," she called out. No response. Walking over to his make shift bed, she saw his notebook sticking out of from under his pillow. "Jane," she called out again, her curiosity peaking. With another glance around the dimly lit attic, Lisbon pulled the book out from under the pillow and flipped it open.

So enthralled by the scribbled notes, names and poems she didn't even hear the footsteps behind her.

"Lisbon, what are you doing?"

Lisbon froze, not moving until the book was suddenly yanked from her hands.

"I...was looking...for you,"

"But decided to read my notebook instead,"

Lisbon couldn't tell if Jane was angry or amused, and decided to go with amused, she cracked a smile and slipped her hands in her pocket. "I was curious. Not like you don't ever go snooping through my things,"

The corner of Jane's mouth twitched into a lopsided grin as he took a step closer. "The knowledge that I possess by snooping through YOUR things, wont' get me killed," he said in a low voice.

"No, but if I ever caught you it might," Lisbon countered.

Jane stared at her than shook his head, tossing his notebook on his bed.

"So, what's with the William Blake poem?"

Jane hesitated for a moment. "It's just a poem I like," he mumbled.

"Oh...well, you and Bertram have something in common," Lisbon said absentmindedly.

Jane froze. "What did you say?"

"Bertram, when everything happened with Hightower, he quoted a William Blake poem," Lisbon could see the wheels turning in Jane's head as his eyes widened and he just stared blankly at her.

"What did he say? Why did he say it? What poem?"

Lisbon took a step back to counter his step forward. "Whoah, power down. What just happened?"

Jane ran a hand through his hair. "Why would he do that? Why would he have YOU hear it too," he turned his back to her as he voiced his thoughts.

"Jane, what's going on?"

He stopped in his tracks, turned back to Lisbon. "Nothing,"

"No. No, you don't Patrick Jane, not this time. What is it?" It was Lisbon's turn to invade personal space this time, pointing a finger at him. "You talk, now. I'm not telling you anything else until you tell me what's going on,"

"I'm trying to keep you safe Lisbon!" Jane said, his voice raised. "It's not that I don't trust you, It's not that I want to be the lone ranger and do it myself, I don't want a mark on your head,"

"I can take care of myself, Jane," Lisbon yelled back.

Jane shook his head.

"You listen to me Patrick Jane. We've been partners for a while now and we've been through a lot, THAT alone is enough to be a target on my head and the whole team's head for that matter. You withholding information me is just making us ignorant and more susceptible to danger cause we don't know what to look for,"

Jane stared at her, hating the fact that she was making sense.

"Talk. NOW," she demanded, infuriated at the man standing before her. "You've been keeping stuff from me for too long, out with it,"

Jane let out another sigh, dropping on the ledge by the window, his hands on his knees. "Back..when...Red John saved me...and you ...you asked me if he said anything and I said no...well, that wasn't true," his voice was low and husky as he remembered being face to face with him. A chill went down his spine, his eyes flicked up to meet Lisbon's. "He quoted a William Blake poem, Tiger Tiger,"

Lisbon's eyes widened.

"Todd Johnson, quoted the same thing right before he died," he continued.

"Oh god, was Hightower?"

"No, I thought at first...but when I figured out she was just avenging the person she cared for...I had to help her get away,"

"You son of bitch," Lisbon muttered.

"Lisbon, that doesn't matter. The poem, you said Bertram recited a poem, why? What is it?"

"And when... thy little heart doth wake...then the dreadful night shall break,"

"That's it?"

"That's it,"

Jane bit his bottom lip. "Lisbon, I don't think Red John would let one of his men slip like that, he wanted you to be the one to hear that,"

"Hold on, now. Are you trying to tell me that you think Bertram is connected to Red John?"

"That is exactly what am saying,"

Lisbon shook her head. "First Hightower, now Bertram-"

"Lisbon, Lisbon," Jane jumped to his feet, his hands going around Lisbon's shoulder, he held her in place. "It is not a coincidence that Bertram quoted from William Blake, the same writer of the poem that Red John said to me,"

Lisbon stared at him, she knew he was making sense and she hated it. She glanced down at Jane's hands then back up at him. He caught the meaning and slowly loosened his grip, letting his hands fall to his side. "Okay, so IF Betram is with Red John, IF, what can we even do? He's the director-"

"I don't know," Jane dropped back down on the ledge, turning his body so he could stare out the window.

"Well, I can tell you what you aren't going to," Lisbon sat next to him, waiting for him to turn his gaze on her to continue. "You will not attempt to go at this by yourself like you did with Hightower. You will NOT confront Bertram by yourself, you will not make a move without talking with me first,"

"I can't-"

"I swear to God, I will handcuff you to my desk, don't think I won't. This time I WILL have GPS trackers in your suits,"

Jane's mouth twitched a smile before turning serious. "I believe you," he said quietly.

Lisbon's face softened as she saw the worry in his eyes. Reaching out she laid a hand on his knee and gave a a little squeeze. "We'll figure this out, just don't go crazy on me,"

Jane nodded, his chin in his hand, his elbow on windowsill.

They sat in silence for a moment, before Jane leaned forward and took Lisbon's hands in his.

Lisbon, slightly taken aback by the amount of affection he was showing, stared at him, one eyebrow quirked up.

"Lisbon, if Bertram is with Red John , there is no telling who else is with them too,"

"I trust my team,"

"I was just gonna say...be very careful,"

"Oh, well yeah, you too,"

Jane gave her hand a squeeze before letting go, immediately missing the feel of her hand in his, he leaned back. He knew he didn't like Bertram the instant he met him, no, the instant he saw him. Just something about him.

"What are you thinking?"

"I was thinking...I was right from the beginning about him,"

"You don't know-"

"I know. I know he's connected to Red John, just to figure out what he wants. Why that line from that poem,"

"Bertram just said it was an old poem he liked. When he walked away, La Rouche was the one that said William Blake,"

"Not surprising,"

"Don't tell me you think La-"

"No, I don't think La Rouche is connected to Red John, just he seems the type to read William Blake's writings,"

Lisbon leaned her head forward in her hands and closed her eyes. She couldn't believe this was happening. First the Hightower fiasco, now Bertram. Lisbon almost felt sick to her stomach at the thought. Her mind was racing with different possibilities and probabilities of this new finding, bringing them another step closer to Red John. As long as Jane didn't get all hot headed and handle the situation by himself with a shotgun again. She would have to keep a better eye on him, she didn't know if she could handle anything happening to him, the scare with Hightower was enough.

Her thoughts were interrupted by her phone vibrating. She pulled it out of her pocket and sighed when she saw Mashburn's name flash up on the screen.

"Don't ...leave this building without coming to see me, okay?"

Jane nodded.

Getting to her feet, Lisbon ran a hand through her hair and sighed. "I'm gonna take this,"

Jane watched her slip out of room and heard her voice muffled through the door, trail down the hallway until it disappeared. He leaned his head back against the window and closed his eyes, this was news was thrilling, in one way, terrifying the next. He believed his blood still pumped for these moments and to catch Red John, but it terrified him to know end to know that Lisbon was now in the middle of things. His heart felt heavy at the thought, he had to figure out what to keep her away from it all. Maybe, just maybe her being with Mashburn wasn't such a bad a thing at the moment.

a/n: Okay, so if you nix Mashburn out of this whole chapter, this is how I believe at some point in this season things will play out. Lisbon has one piece of the puzzle, Jane has another, they have to connect at some point. Mashburn is just in here, for ...well it is fan fiction..and who can resist writing a jealous Jane :) as always, reviews make my day :)


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